Making Pancakes
by nericearren
Summary: Raven has just returned from Gotham and her stint with Robin, only to find that the Titans have changed in her absence. Still, some things will always be the same. Slightly AU-sort of a mash-up of the comic storyline and the TV storyline.
1. Chapter 1

Cassandra's blond hair splayed over the pillow between us. Her measured breathing told me she really was asleep, not pretending as she had been last night so that I would be quiet. Starfire's knee pressed into my back on my other side, and I shot my old friend a rueful glance over my shoulder before easing out of bed, leaving the two of them to their slumber. I envied their ease, the way they could sleep without nightmares or waking. I hadn't had that kind of peace for months, possibly years.

I crept down the hall, feeling ridiculous but not wanting to risk waking up any of Garfield's lackluster team. It didn't surprise me one bit that he would be the captain of the goof-off and screwball superkid squad. I snuck past Cyborg's new room, with the light shining from under the door and the mysterious noises coming from behind it, and slid into the common room.

It was the same as it had always been-kitchen to the left, TV dead ahead. Video games, CDs, and books strewn across the floor as the remains of supper-pizza and corn dogs-rotted on the kitchen table. It was almost laughable. Here we were, six or seven years down the road, and still acting like the bratty, squabbling kids we'd been when we first met. Something Robin said once came back to me- "It's just typical roommate stuff."

"Beast Boy is turning eighteen." I said softly to my absent best friend. "I'm pushing twenty. How long are you going to make allowances for us?"

"Raven? What are you doing up so early?" Starfire whispered from the door. She looked beautiful, standing there in her tank top and shorts, so much more than I could hope to be, and I wondered for the hundredth time why Robin had wanted to leave her. Why he'd wanted to leave all of us.

"I couldn't sleep-sorry." I told her, tugging the hem of my sleep shirt-one I stole from Gar-down self-consciously. Starfire frowned at me worriedly, coming to stand before me. She was a good four inches taller, I realized with amusement. Something Robin would have laughed at, if he had been there. Starfire rested her hands on my shoulders lightly-she knew how much I hated contact. "Is it the new Titans?"

They had unsettled me, when I'd first returned to the Tower from Gotham. Coming home to find that my home was no longer just mine, that some other girl was sleeping in my bed and teasing Beast Boy-that had been hard. Coming to terms with the fact that I wasn't a kid anymore, a fact brought home by seeing all my old haunts through new eyes. My own behavior had seemed childish; things I would never do anymore. Yet the things I was capable of...Coming home had restored my conscience, as well. It was good that I left Robin when I did.

"They're fine, now." I said to Star, forcing myself to smile. "You should go back to bed, honey." There was no way I was telling her that it was her ex-boyfriend keeping me up-not when she wasn't over him yet. Starfire hugged me, all curled hair and too-hot skin and bones. When she left, I felt the chill more keenly, but I wouldn't want her back for my life; I was too afraid I'd say something I shouldn't.

"You know, I always suspected you two were more than friends."

I practically leaped out of my skin, as Beast Boy emerged from the couch. "What on EARTH are you doing?!" I cried, in a hush, pressing my hand against my rapidly beating heart. Gar grinned at me, white teeth flashing in the pre-dawn dark, dressed only in a pair of faded jeans with holes in the knees. "I WAS sleeping, until you and the alien decided to hold your little tryst in my living room."

"That wasn't what happened." I snapped, my cheeks flaming despite my best efforts to remain calm. Beast Boy just shook his head. "It's always the Goth girls."

"For the hundredth, billionth time since God-knows-when, I am NOT Goth!" I hissed, folding my arms and taking a step back, as he took a step forward. "And why weren't you sleeping in your room?!"

Gar's grin was all devil. "I was waiting for my girlfriend. I got a show instead."

"Will you STOP harping on that?! And-you have a girlfriend?" He had my attention with that one-who would put up with such an obnoxious guy? Who would want to?

Beast Boy inspected his nails. "Well, not everyone is immune to my irresistible charms and sexy good looks."

"Your statement is an impossibility." I pointed out. "If your charms are irresistible, than no one would be immune to them. Implying that some people are immune to them means that, by definition, they are not, in fact, irresistible."

Gar blinked. "I really missed having you around to take the wind out of my sails." He went into the kitchen, rummaging around in the fridge. "Can you go two consecutive hours without eating?" I asked, leaning against the counter than separated the kitchen from the living room. BB tossed the ingredients for pancakes on the counter. "What can I say? I'm an animal." he shrugged, trying for an angelic smile. On him, it was distinctly unconvincing. "You're making pancakes at-" I glanced at the clock. "Four in the morning. Are you insane?"

He chose not to answer me. "You still suck at cooking, Rae?"

"I never sucked." I defended myself. Beast Boy glanced up at me and flashed another grin. "Don't lie."

He beckoned to me, and I made my way around the divide to stand beside him. He was holding a blue-bound, thick book. He held it up so that it was two inches from my face. "You see this?"

"I'd have to be blind or stoned not to." I gave him a dour look, which he also ignored. "This is the Fanny Farmer." he said, waving it for emphasis and almost poking out my eye. "It is a very important book. Almost every recipe you might ever need is in here. Do you know what a recipe is, Rae?"

"Of course I do." I scowled. "I'm not an idiot." He had a tattoo of a dragon that curled up from under the waistband of his jeans. I had a five-second fantasy of tracing its long tail up to its head, before Gar caught my attention again by snapping his fingers in front of my face. "Hello? Still with me, Raven?"

That was embarrassing.

"Yes." I grated out. "But this is ridiculo-" he didn't let me finish. "The nature of the recipe," he said, talking over me. "Is so that you know what to do. And don't burn anything, including the poor sap who's teaching you. And so that you put in the right ingredients, which is very important to the overall taste of whatever you're making. Am I clear?"

"Crystal." I mumbled, bored. Beast Boy nodded and set a bowl in front of me. "Right. Now crack an egg into the bowl. Do you want me to show you how?"

"I'm going to be twenty, Garfield." I snapped, grabbing the bowl. "You think I can't crack an egg on my own?"

"Fine, fine." he held his hands up defensively. "Don't say I didn't offer."

I took an egg. I'd seen Robin crack eggs a thousand times in the morning; I could do this. I held it like he had and confidently smashed it on the side of the bowl.

Egg goo smeared all over my hand as the yolk dropped to the floor with a splat. Gar clapped a hand over his mouth, no doubt suppressing laughter. Sure enough, when I glared at him, there were tears of mirth in his eyes. "Let's-" he started, then had to take a breath. "Let's try that again, OK?" he took a towel and wiped up the floor, then my hand.

My own breath caught and I looked up at him. He was looking at me, too, and for a second we stood there, my hand cradled in two of his, neither of us blinking.

"Um-so, that's how not to do it." Beast Boy broke the silence first, dropping my hands and turning away.

"I knew that." I said sulkily, trying not to think about the recent attack of weirdness. I took another egg as Gar finished wiping up the bowl. "OK, we're going to go through this slowly at first, and then you try it." he said, guiding me to the counter with his hand on the small of my back. When I met his eyes, raising my eyebrows, he quickly dropped his hand like he'd been burned.

Things were definitely back to normal.

"So, you're holding the egg right." he said, a little too fast. "But you need to hit it here-" he showed me, "-and less forcefully. It's like you're...um...cracking an egg..."

"Helpful." I said dryly. Gar stood behind me and grabbed my hand. I still couldn't believe how tall he'd gotten-once, he'd been at eye level with my chin. Now the situation was reversed. "Like this." he said, unlike me perfectly focused on what we were supposed to be doing as he guided my hand to and from the edge of the bowl. I stood like a robot and let him for about ten times before asking, "Do you feel like an idiot yet? Because I do."

He dropped my hand and, to my utter shock, smacked me on the butt. Hard. "Don't be smart, Rae. I'm trying to help."

"My ass." I muttered. "And speaking of my ass, do that again and you'll be handed yours."

"What was that?" Gar cupped a hand around his ear. "I couldn't hear over the sound of failure."

"It wasn't a failure!" I snapped, and angrily threw the egg down, fortunately into the bowl.

SPLAT.

We both peered into the bowl. "I think I'm beginning to see where you went wrong the first time you cooked these." Beast Boy said conversationally. I slapped him on the back of the head. "Shut up."

The egg lay in the bottom of the bowl, a mess of shell and shattered yolk, the white curling around it like a sticky shield. The shell was in a thousand tiny pieces, nothing we could just scoop out and go with. Beast Boy sighed. "This may take longer than I thought."

He washed out the bowl while I counted the remaining eggs. Seven. Provided no one else wanted to make pancakes later in the week, we would be fine until grocery day. Hopefully-BB and I hadn't even gotten to the flour yet.

Gar seemed to give up on teaching me to crack an egg, because he cracked two into the now-clean bowl and whisked them briskly as I watched. "Measure out two cups of flour for me." he instructed, and I did, dumping them in the bowl. Flour dust flew up into Gar's face and mine, turning them both white. Gar groaned.

"Here." he handed me the bowl. "You stir, and I'll put in the ingredients."

I wasn't so sure that was a good idea, but I gamely took the bowl and moved the whisk around. The flour wasn't mixing with the egg; it was just clumping, and all the extra stuff Gar was adding made it worse. I started to whisk more furiously to get it to mix, just as he poured the milk in. It sloshed up and splashed us both, getting a fair amount of the floor as well. "Seriously?!" BB cried incredulously, and took the bowl from me. "Just-just spray the pan, OK?" He appeared to have given up teaching me altogether.

I sprayed the fry pan without incident, and Gar got the batter whipped into shape. Soon he was turning out perfectly round, beautifully smelling, golden pancakes, as I watched safely from the sidelines.

Halfway through, he shifted uncomfortably, spatula in hand, and muttered, "Damn-I have to pee." he glanced at me, unsure, then said, "Can you...watch this?" He sounded like he was signing his grandmother's death warrant.

I gave him a dour look. "I can watch a stove, Garfield. I doubt even I could find a way to screw that up."

"Famous last words." he muttered, but left the spatula with me and went out of the room. I leaned on the counter next to the stove, miffed. Honestly, how big an idiot did he think I was? Sure, I wasn't the best cook, but I could watch a stove. Even Robin had trusted me with that...Robin. Thinking of him was like a knife, shoved in my brain. All my nerve endings were cut, no pain left to rip apart my heart, but still lurking around to hit my intellect. Leaving with him had been hard, a betrayal of my team, but leaving him had been harder-a betrayal of myself. But it had been myself I was destroying, staying in that messed-up city, watching my best friend sink to the level of the criminals he fought. I couldn't take it, and I left. And that was what really got me-the fact that I was coward enough to abandon Robin without even trying to save him. Was I really so selfish?

"Raven!"

I was jolted out of my revery by Gar roughly shoving me aside. The pancake was-whoa. On fire. I clapped a hand over my mouth and stumbled backwards as Beast Boy morphed into a dwarf elephant and put out the fire with a sneeze. When I blinked, he was back again, now soaking wet, a glaring, seething, dripping Gar who looked about to kill me.

Then he started to laugh.

"Wh-" I began, but he cut me off, striding towards me and wrapping his arms around me, shoulders shaking. "Man, Rae. I should have known better. Oh my gosh-when I walked in-and there you were-" he laughed out loud, louder than he should with everyone else asleep. "Daydreaming or whatever, and the freaking house burning down around you." he buried his face in my neck to muffle his laughter.

"What on earth is going on?!" Cyborg cried from the doorway, and we both jumped apart, before taking stock of the egged, floured, and soaked kitchen.

"We can explain." BB and I said in unison.

Yup. Everything back to normal.

Everything except me.


	2. Chapter 2

"_Hey, beautiful." _

_The standard morning greeting from Robin as I pad, barefoot and tousle-haired, into the kitchen. The aroma of frying pancakes also greets me, as he comes over, a smudge of flour on his nose, maskless, and kisses me. "Lazy Saturday, nothing on the agenda, and no bad guys beating down our door. What say you to having a lie-in with the lovely _Gilmore Girls_?"_

"_We already got up." I point out. "And your pancake is burning."_

"_Shit!" he swears, running to remove the fry pan from the stove. "I knew we should have just kept the hot plate!" Our laughter rings through the small Gotham apartment, which is painted in shades of yellow and orange, and puce green, has rats in the floorboards and bats in the ceiling. The door is as thin as a piece of cardboard, and the walls aren't much better, all of us squished one on top of the other, the locks all broken, furniture permanently smelling of smoke, but it's home._

"_Move forward, Rob." I joke, pecking him on the cheek as I go to collect on of the not-as-black pancakes stacked high on a plate next to the stove. Just as I take the first bite, the smoke reaches the fire alarm and it wails, as the old-fashioned sprinklers go off and all hell breaks loose. Exchanging glances, Robin and I burst out laughing._

"Dick!" I shot abruptly up in bed, gasping, as the dream burst into all vividness in my brain, the feelings and thoughts as crystal clear as if I was waking next to Robin in our old home, not in a bunk bed with Starfire sleeping across from me and Wonder Girl above me, both poking their heads curiously my way to bother me into telling what my problem was. I didn't need to talk; I needed to escape the memories still lurking in the corners of my beleaguered mind.

Without answering either of them, I pulled off my covers, bare feet hitting the cold floor with much complaint, and exited the room, grabbing a pair of underwear as I went. An ice cold shower sounded best at the moment. The bathroom was dark, silent, empty for once as I slipped in and flicked on the light.

"Hey!" The voice was deep, male, and very familiar.

"Garfield?" I asked, immediately snapping my eyes shut at the flash of too-much-green that quickly disappears back into the shower. "Knock next time!" he growls at me, cranky. He must have just come in from a late mission. Heat flooded my face and I turned to face the door, wincing. "I am...sorry. But it's partially your fault for being so quiet."

"You're flaming me for being too QUIET?" BB went, the shower curtain ruffling as he got dressed. "Seems like I remember you always complaining I was too loud."

"You are loud when you should be quiet, and quiet when it would be more prudent for you to make noise. Like now. I really could do without any more nightmares." I said, folding my arms tightly over my chest as if that could reign in the surge of emotions coming off me in waves.

"Nightmares? Honey, this is one hot bod." Gar said confidently, stepping out of the tub and speed-drying his hair with a towel. I turned back to face him, rolling my eyes. Once again, he was without a shirt. He glanced at me sideways, looking away from his reflection for a minute. "Are you OK? Usually you'd be shooting back some sarcastic remark by now."

I shifted uncomfortably. "Bad dream?" I offered doubtfully. BB shook his head, overlong hair flying in wet strands and spraying me with droplets. "Don't be silly, Rae." he said after he was done, stepping towards me. My back hit the door in my haste to back away from him.

Aside from a few of my five-second-fantasies, I'd never really considered Beast Boy romantically, but now, in the confines of the small bathroom, with the steamy air from the shower and with him closing in on my personal space, my mind was quickly emptying of Robin-which was good-and filling with Garfield-which was very, very bad. I couldn't think those sorts of things about Gar-not my oldest friend, not the one guy clumsy enough to shatter the heart of steel-coated diamond I was sure I possessed. There had always been something about us, something a little more than friends, but not enough to be in a relationship. Not enough to put the delicate balance I'd finally found in jeopardy.

"I know you." Beast Boy was saying, as he came ever closer. "And I can tell when you're hiding something from me." The last words were whispered in my ear, BB's hand on the door behind me, leaning in far too close. "What are you hiding, Rae?" he asked gently, and heat rushed through my body. Why did he have to sound so...so much like he actually _cared_? "It's none of your business." I said, with as much composure as I could manage. He looked...different, like this, water glistening on toned skin-

I had to stop myself.

I put one hand on Gar's chest, intending to shove him away, but as soon as I made contact, I was so cliched as to go completely weak, absorbed in the feel of smooth skin and prickly hair and the smell of soap and dusk. I looked up, and he was smiling. "Told you-hot bod." he said teasingly, but a darker green blush was spreading across his cheeks. I ran my hand over the length of his chest, slipping it around his neck as he exhaled, totally forgetting about his inquisition. He leaned even closer, and my head bumped the door. I stopped evading him and let what happened next happen-

So much had happened to me, so much bad and so much good, so much of it wrapped up in Robin and Gotham and the "mission", the things I'd given my life and blood to, and for a split second I saw it all; my path and BB's, winding in and out of each other, and then mine breaking free, hell bent to get as far away as possible, and then I was back, and our breaths were so close, and he was so close-

He was gentle, light, almost not there as he brushed his lips against mine, but I wasn't having it. I wanted to forget everything, and my anesthesia was right in front of me. I pulled him down closer, smashed our mouths together, my other hand dragging up his back, making him moan as he pushed me against the door, not wanting to pull apart, not ever. And there it was-the forgetting, the unawareness, and something unexpected; a complete and utter fire coming from my belly, every skin cell and nerve ending spiking and burning, translating to tightening of muscles and our hands running over each other's skin, grunts and moans emanating from us without any thought to others who might be passing by. "Raven." his voice, in my ear, murmured along my neck. I shoved my fingers through his hair and kissed his temple, his cheek, brought his face back up to mine and kissed him again, feeling his tongue lapping at my lips, flash of teeth nibbling at the corner of my mouth, a kiss with a literal bite. "Gar..." I breathed, and then snapped back into reality.

"Ohmig-" I shoved him away from real, banging my knee on the wall in my haste to get away from him. "Oh-I-Gar-shit..." I was breathing heavily, heart thudding, and I realized I hadn't taken any necessary precautions, like I had with Robin. There was no premeditation, no presence of mind, just what I could only describe as lust, for fear of using the word love. The mirror was smashed, glass scattered in the sink and over the torn-up rug, the shower head turned all the way around so it faced the ceiling. The toilet was making strange noises.

BB looked around. "Wow. You really know how to trash a place, Rae. How about we continue in my room?" He flashed me his most winning smile, but my guards were firmly back in place. "Get out." I commanded, and shoved him out with my powers when he didn't comply, locking the door after him. I turned the shower on, full blast, never mind that it bounced off the ceiling before obeying gravity, and ignored the knocks on the door until they faded away. I couldn't believe myself.

Check that. I was utterly _disgusted_ with myself. What was the point of all the meditating, the living in fear of Trigon taking control, the wards and the spells and the years of sequestering myself away, if all of it withered like dead roses in the face of Gar's fire-hot brilliance? One breath and I was little more than an animal myself-I was ashamed. Beyond that, I was furious. How dare he? How dare he change our safe, comfortable relationship just when I needed that stability the most?

Water pounding on my shoulders, I lifted my head and screamed.


	3. Chapter 3

When Raven first left the team, I had nightmares for weeks. Somehow, just having her in the room next to mine had always been enough to quell the terrors that rose from my subconscious-my parents' death, my young start in a world of pain, all the fights and nauseating things I'd seen. The world of so-called "superheroes" was no place for kids, and it was worse back then. I grew intensely afraid of being alone, or of being left behind, and then Raven did both. For a long time, I was mad at her, frustrated that she'd abandoned me-us-for Robin, terrified that everyone was going to leave in the same way. She was like my older sister, back then. Our relationship-though strained-was uncomplicated, affectionate bickering and mutual give-each-other-space. When she came back, everything changed-I set eyes on her, and all the insecurity and fear came rushing back, and I lost all the confidence I'd gained in her absence, taken back in one glance to the summer I was thirteen, ashamed of the bad dreams that woke me up screaming. With it came a new feeling, one I definitely didn't have in my memory-an awareness of how hot Raven was. Sure, I'd always thought she was beautiful, but for the first time I wanted to _act_ on it. I wanted things I hadn't since Terra, and hiding it became harder and harder, especially given Raven's penchant for treating me like I was still that thirteen-year-old kid and it was perfectly acceptable to tease me about romantic things. While she seemed perfectly unconcerned about things like asking if I had finally hit puberty, or stumbling into me at night with both of us half-dressed, the encounters left my heart pounding and my stomach feeling as if I'd just drank half a quart of arsenic. The kiss in the bathroom had been coming for a long time.

I sat in the hall outside the bathroom door, hearing the roar of the shower as Raven pushed it to Niagara Falls capacity, beyond whatever the plumber had in mind when he installed the thing and no doubt doing even more irreparable damage that neither one of us could explain in the morning, and gathered my thoughts.

Thought #1: I kissed Raven.

Thought #2: Heck, _yeah_, I FINALLY kissed Raven!

Thought #3: I...kissed...Raven...what on earth was I thinking?

Thought #4: What if she hates me?

Thought #5: She kissed me back. Maybe she doesn't.

Thought #6: But she kicked me out. Maybe she does.

Thought #7: Don't I have a girlfriend?

Thought #8: I'm screwed.

I stopped thinking, then, driving my fist into the wall with no prior planning whatsoever, and howled like the animal that I was in frustration.

I met Jillian in the line to the Dairy Freeze, and we hit it off right away. She liked Choco-Choco-Nut-ella-Crunch Ice Cream, my favorite,watched Scooby-Doo on the weekends, played Race-A-Million and Dino Takeover, and made as many jokes as she took. She burped, talked cars, and could fit more French fries in her mouth than I could, and still managed to come off as the perfect girly-girl. I was in love-or so I thought.

I ran my fingers through my damp hair, pressing my cool palms against my burning face. Kissing Jillian had never felt that...hot. Kissing Jillian was nice, and she did everything right, but-somehow, Raven's intensity bulldozed "right" right out the door. Maybe I was in love with Jill, but there was some serious lust issues between Raven and I. That was all it was, I convinced myself. It was just that I was tired, and she was there, and we were both emotionally drained, and-that wasn't flying at all. It was a pure load of rubbish, and the churning in my gut was solid proof of that. I needed to talk it out, but everyone was asleep-or were they?

I got up, spitting at the bathroom door as I went, though whether it was because I was disgusted with Raven or the door that was keeping us apart, I didn't know, and plodded down the hall to Cyborg's room. As expected, a blue light was emanating from underneath it, every now and then laced with red or yellow, or darkened as the shadow of a leg flicked by. I didn't bother to knock as I went in-if Cy wanted to be left alone, _nobody_ would be getting through that door-and threw myself down on the floor inside without preamble.

"Hey, BB." Cyborg tweaked a screw on the hub cap of the car he was fixing and tapped his forehead casually in greeting. "You're up late. Or is it early? I can't tell."

"Late mission." I explained, starting to feel a chill. I had no shirt, and the workshop was always hovering around extreme cold or intense heat, as Cy usually felt neither. Almost every night he was like this, fixing every gadget and maintenancing every electronic device he could get his hands on. He liked feeling useful, liked having mastery over something he hadn't chosen; making his weakness his strength. I admired him as much as I loved him-he was the brother I never had, always wanted. "Can I talk to you?"

"Anytime, little man. What is it this time; girls, sex, or money?" Gotta love Cy's(slightly warped)sense of humor-those are the three things I refuse to talk with him about. However, I'm about to knock off both one and two. "Girls and sex both."

Vic stops what he's doing and turns to face me fully, sitting down on the concrete floor, raising his eyebrows in expectation. "Oh?"

"One girl." I elaborate, and his expression lights up with understanding. "Raven." he says, low and almost reverent in the way he says it. He knows how I feel about her, even if I myself find the emotions hard to puzzle out. On the one hand, I hate her. On the other-

"I think I love her, man. Or, at least, seriously want to bang her-I'm not sure if the two are mutually exclusive." I rest my elbows on my knees, shaking my head. "I was just taking a shower, right?"

"I can see that." he eyes my state of half-dress with amusement. I ignore the comment and go on. "And, so, Raven just walks in-which, yeah, both of us have done before-I thought we'd long since gotten over the awkwardness, I mean, it's like we're siblings or something, right? Only she, like, freaks out at me, and I freak out back, and we're just, like, arguing, and then somehow we're kissing and shit and it's kind of maybe the best kiss I've had in, I don't know, _ever_, even though there's Jillian and the whole Robin thing and everything and then she totally wrecked the bathroom and then she kicked me out and now I don't know which way's up anymore!" I pant out, having reached the climax of my speech. I had gotten up at one point to restlessly pace, a surefire bad sign. Now I stop, and slump against the wall, thrusting my fingers through the still-damp hair that Raven herself had been stroking not twenty minutes ago. Cyborg looks at me with sympathy. "Are you done venting, or do you need to do some more pacing?"

"I'm done. I think."

"Then can you repeat all of that again, more slowly, please?"

I tell him again, more calmly and with less interjections, and he listens, and nods, and does everything a good friend should do, and it helps me settle down infinitely. "So now I don't know what to do." I finally finish.

Cy pauses for a second, and gets that look on his face where I think he's about to say something really meaningful that will show me the light and change my whole life, but all he says is, "Go to bed."

"Huh? With _Raven_? Are you sure that's a good solution?" I'm genuinely puzzled. He laughs. "By yourself, you idiot. Right now-get some sleep. Everything will look better when you wake up." he shakes his head, muttering to himself as he goes back to his fixing. " . . . bed with Raven . . . hah! . . . must have a death wish . . ." and so on. I get up, fully intending to take his advice, but then have to ask- "Have you ever been in a situation like this? Wait-have you even _had _a girlfriend before?"

He throws a monkey wrench at my head. "I said to go to bed, grass stain! Go put out your lights before I knock them out for you!"

Yup. Talking to Cy always clears me right up.


	4. Chapter 4

Cassandra is on me the next morning about the leaving and the shower and the general state of the bathroom, but after one look at my face, Kori shuts her up. "Leave Raven be, Cassie," she chides gently, when she thinks I can't hear. "She's had a hard time of it."

Hard time of what? I not a _mental patient_. Well . . . I did date Robin, so maybe that's debatable, but if dating Dick makes me insane, then Kori's got to be a fricking lunatic by now, considering how many years they've been screwing off and on.

Her pity makes me angry, yet another feeling that I have to try and rid myself of during my morning meditation. It gets tiring, having to do this every day, morning and night, having to sit and clear my head and stay still and suppress what's supposed to make me alive. I lived for years doing it, and never thought much about it-it was just like brushing teeth or combing hair-but recently I've become bored. I wish that I could just laugh out loud, or cry until I fell asleep. The older I get, the harder containing any emotion becomes for me, and last night was a stark reminder that I'll probably never be able to just let loose like that. No matter how good it feels.

Breakfast is an awkward, but quiet, affair, with nobody saying much. A few words about plumbing are exchanged, but Cyborg is quick to announce that he'll take care of everything and can we please change the subject?, which leads me to believe that Gar kissed and told. Literally. After that, there's just a whole lot of chewing and some, "Pass the ketchup." and "Roy said he'd come by later." and etc. Garfield and I are sitting at opposite ends of the table, and I keep my gaze on my plate. If he corners me about last night, I won't have any answers for him-none that I want to give, at any rate. I can't very well admit that I kissed him because I wanted to forget what happened in Gotham.

And I'll be damned if I tell him that I love him. Literally.

There's no way that I am going to once again submit myself to the humiliation of being _that girl_. Y'know, the one that goes after other girls' boyfriends. I can only take that once in my life, and that time is over. I add shame to the list of purged feelings, because now that the sun's up and everyone is around me, gradually working their way up to a steady chatter about plans for the day, everyone young and happy and bright and energetic, kissing Beast Boy-everything that happened last night-seems dark and soiled and desperate. The actions of a girl who still hasn't learned from her past mistakes.

"But I loved him." I find myself whispering, but as to who I'm talking about-Gar or Dick-I don't know.

"What was that?" Cassie asks me, and I look at her with mild surprise. I thought I was alone; forgetting that I was still in the common room. "I-am thinking of going into the city today." I lie. "I was wondering if I could borrow your car."

"Sure! Kon's taking me out later, anyway. Want some company? I bet I could get BB to join you-"

"No!" I don't mean to, but I blurt out the answer before she finishes her statement. "I-I mean-Garfield and I-" I can't think of a single good way to end the sentence.

"I know what happened." Cassandra says slyly, and I look at her in astonishment. "You-how-"

"You two are fighting again, aren't you?" she goes on, ignoring my stutters, and I breathe an inward sigh of relief. "How could you tell?" I play along.

"Well, you barely looked at each all of breakfast, and usually Gar's yelling at you to eat more and you're yelling back-well, as much yelling as you do-that you're not a breakfast person and you guys just typically bicker a lot." Cassie takes a breath. "Whew."

"How do you know that we aren't just getting along better than normal today?" I ask. She rolls her eyes. "Are you kidding? It's because you're not talking that I _know_ something's up. When you love someone, you give them a hard time because you care; but if you don't care, then you don't _argue _with them. You just leave them alone."

She is more right than she knows, but nevertheless I shake my head. "We are not arguing. We simply had a misunderstanding last night, and since it bothers you so much, I _will_ ask him to go with me. Happy?"

"Geez. Did you take your bitch pills today or what?" Cassie grins, and hugs me to let me know that she's not mad. "You know that he loves you, right?" she whispers in my ear. "He has a girlfriend." I whisper back. She pulls back and shrugs. "People get lonely. They need girlfriends and boyfriends. But I'd bet anything that the one he's waiting on is _you_."

"You're a hopeless romantic." I inform her dourly, and get up. She waves goodbye in an exaggerated fashion as I walk over to where Gar is sitting, for once not playing a video game or eating. He's just . . . sitting. He doesn't look as though he's gotten much sleep. There are bags under his eyes.

Apprehension curls in the pit of my stomach as I sit down, making me feel sick and ready to cry. I haven't felt this nervous since I decided to leave Jump City to live in Gotham with Robin. Gar glances at me. "Hey." he says, in an undertone. His voice is rough, confirming my theory of little to no sleep. He sounds as nervous as I feel.

"I-think we should talk." I say stiffly.

He looks at the blank TV screen, pointedly turning his head away from me. "There's nothing to talk about. I made a mistake. I pushed you. I'm sorry."

I force myself to lay my hand on his knee, garnering his attention. When I touch him, it feels like an electric current races through me, coming home in the exact same place that my apprehension is lodged. My stomach turns with a mixture of dread and excitement. "We are going to talk." I say, and my voice comes out steely, stronger than I expected. Proud of myself, I use the confidence boost to my advantage and speak while I still have the courage. "We're going into the city today. And in the car we are going to talk, because what happened can't be explained away as a simple mistake. Maybe you want to sweep . . . it . . . under the carpet, but I lived my life doing just that, and with Robin-"

"Fine. Whatever. Just shut up." Gar snaps, pulling away from me. I glance up at him. He's practically snarling.

In reaction to Robin's name?

He runs his fingers through his hair, closing his eyes for a brief second. "Sorry. I'll go. It's just-sorry."

This is going to be real fun, I can tell.


	5. Chapter 5

As soon as we've cleared the Tower, out of earshot of even super-hearing, I feel the pressure that's been building up inside me reach a critical high. One of us has to talk, now; there's no excuse left not to. The problem is, my head is still screwed over from last night, and I don't know what to do about it. Raven's hands are tight on the steering wheel, her knuckles white. Her face is mostly shaded by a large white sunhat, but I know her so well, I can see how stressed she is just by looking. I don't need to see the expression she's wearing.

"So." I say.

"Um." she says.

Real scintillating, our small talk.

There's a lot of uncomfortable silence, and I'm really starting to regret agreeing to this two-hour trip. I think that Raven is, too, but she does a good job of not letting on. "Last night." she starts, and then doesn't continue.

I don't say anything, looking at my reflection in one of the sideview mirrors. This actually being my car, it's a convertible, bright red and the very newest in 90s chic. It goes well with my aviator sunglasses and Hawaiian print shirt, but Raven's driving. I wonder if she's waiting for me to talk. The awkward silence stretches out and out until I feel like every breath is going to suffocate me. I glance at Rae.

"I guess I'll start." I say, at the same time as she says, "I suppose I'll begin."

We both stop, embarrassed. "Don't tell me we're going to have this cliched argument." Raven says.

"You go first." I say. She slants me a sideways glance. "No, you."

"You. I insist." I'm kind of laughing now, and so is she, and it breaks the tension enough that her next words seem to flow easily.

"I'm sorry." she tells me. "I . . . know you have a girlfriend, and I'm sorry for kissing you. It was very . . . forward of me, and believe me, I'm not usually that . . ."

"Slutty?" I supply helpfully. She reaches over and smacks me on the shoulder, and I duck away, laughing. "Concentrate on the road!" I yelp, and she swerves a little on purpose. "Geez! Who taught you to drive!" I shout.

There's a long pause.

"Robin." Raven says softly, and my fists involuntarily clench. OK, so I have a small problem with Robin. The problem being something along the dumped-his-longtime-girlfriend-and-took-away-the-g irl-I-loved-to-get-fucked-up-in-the-city lines. Who wouldn't?

"Let's stop beating around the bush." I say, finally. My heart is pounding; I hope she can't hear. She probably can sense it, though, and the thought makes my cheeks flush. My only consolation is that Raven looks as unnerved as I feel; maybe she can sense what's coming, too, because she pulls over onto the side of the road and shuts off the car, turning to face me.

"Raven-" I begin, but she holds up her hand. "You're right, of course." she says. Yup. She read my mind . . . or emotions . . . whatever. "We are both rational adults, more or less, perfectly capable of remaining friends despite this. Neither of us are in a position to be in a relationship right now, and it makes sense for us to just forget anything happened. Maybe we do have feelings for each other, but given the circumstances, the wisest thing to do is just chalk it up to fatigue and hormones and move on, right?"

I nod. Raven's being really chatty today.

"Now." she says. "My question to you." She sounds matter-of-fact when she says it, but her hands are shaking. She slides off her Hollywood sunglasses, and then mine, so that we're looking each other in the eye. "Is that really how you want it to end?"

The car is too small-just small enough, really-as I lunge over the gearshift, practically tackling her. I hear her back hit the door with a thud, and I feel sorry, really, I do, but her hands are grazing my neckline and her lips are at my ear and I'm kissing her, really kissing her, the kind of super-hot makeout that usually precedes leaving the country or dying or something, and I'm totally absorbed in _her_.

She's all like a girl, with soft skin and round hips and shit, and the noises she makes when I touch her are enough to draw out the animal in any man. Her body is a sharp contrast to all the hard plastic and metal from the car that's getting in my way, and we separate long enough to tumble into the backseat. Sure, we're in an open-top car, parked on the side of a major freeway, but I don't think either of us is too concerned with being seen at the moment. Nope, I'm just thinking about Raven, Raven's body, how Raven's hair curls slightly at the ends and tangles as I run my fingers through it; how she shivers when I trail my hands down her arms and how _I_ shiver when she slips her hands under my shirt, caressing my chest and back. I kiss her again, hard, and she digs her fingernails in, making me moan and flip her onto her back, nearly crushing her between my body and the seat. Doesn't matter-Raven can take it. Her legs twine around mine, one toe poking my butt-the first time by accident, and then she begins to do it on purpose, tracing circles and lines and I grab her thigh, wondering if anyone guessed before how sexy a toe on your butt could be.

"Ahem."

A loud, deep voice, someone trying to get our attention rather than clear his throat. "Excuse me, sir, ma'am."

Raven sits up first, leaving me to slide down her torso ungracefully. I sit up, but keep a protective hold on her hips as I glance over my shoulder. There's a deputy sheriff waiting patiently outside of the car. I straighten my shirt and get out, as Raven frantically tries to fix her hair. "Can I help you, sir?" I ask politely, my voice still a little husky. The deputy looks like he's trying not to laugh. "This is a highway." he says. "I'm afraid that you can't stop here, sir, unless you're in some kind of . . . distress." his gaze travels to Raven, then back to me.

"Nope. No distress to be found here." I say breezily. "We just didn't know any better. Sorry to be a bother-we'll be going now."

He squints at me. "How _old_ are you?" He apparently isn't fazed by the fact that I'm green. "Twenty-one." I lie cheerfully, citing the legal age of consent in California. "And my girlfriend's nearly thirty."

I can almost feel Raven's eyes, piercing me with heat-and not the fun kind. The deputy looks distinctly uncomfortable as he quickly bids us good day and walks back to his car. I get into our car, in the passenger seat this time, and Raven climbs into the driver's seat, still trying to collect herself. She starts up the car and drives off, with the deputy watching us go. Once he's out of sight, I breathe a sigh of relief. I don't much like officers of the law; they kind of scare me.

"Well." Raven expressed five or six different emotions in that one word, managing to sound happy, freaked out, mad, stunned, excited, and scandalized all at once.

"Well." I agree, and we drive on in silence.


End file.
